Hi Katie,
I’ve been in supervision with someone I respect and value, but I’ve noticed a pattern: I often defer to them, even when I have a different view. Sometimes I even pretend I agree just to avoid tension. I’m not sure why I do this, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s limiting my growth. What might be going on here?
- Pleasing in Punggol
Dear Pleasing,
What a thoughtful question — and what a brave step to name this dynamic out loud. Many therapists (especially those of us working relationally) find ourselves caught in subtle, unspoken dynamics in supervision that echo deeper attachment patterns. You’re absolutely not alone.
The fact that you’re noticing this pattern — and questioning it — suggests something in you is ready to grow beyond this pattern. Let’s explore, gently.
1. Remember supervision is An Attachment Relationship!
Even in professional relationships, our personal attachment patterns show up. Supervision can evoke many of the same emotional experiences as other attachment relationships — the desire for approval, fear of disappointment, sensitivity to hierarchy, and the longing to belong.
Ask yourself:
- How do I typically respond to authority or expertise?
- What happens in my body when I imagine disagreeing with my supervisor?
- What am I afraid might happen if I didn’t defer?
These aren’t just intellectual questions — they’re felt, relational ones. Often, our deference is a form of attachment protection: if I stay agreeable, I’ll stay safe.
2. Consider Your Attachment History
Reflecting on your attachment story (and the way it’s shaped your model of self and others) can provide valuable insight here.
You might ask:
- Growing up, what were the rules around disagreement?
- How was conflict managed (or avoided) in early relationships?
- Were there risks to expressing a different perspective?
Your patterns in supervision might echo those old rules. And, like all attachment strategies, they once made perfect sense. You adapted to stay connected and safe. Now, in supervision, these same strategies may be limiting your freedom to think, feel, and grow.
3. What’s the Function of the Pleasing?
Rather that pathologising the pleasing part, let’s get curious. What’s the role this part is playing for you?
You might journal or explore:
- What does this part want for me?
- What is it afraid of?
- What would it need to feel safe enough to be more honest?
This kind of inner exploration is where experiential therapy shines. You don’t need to fix the pattern — just stay with it, explore it with compassion, and watch it begin to shift.
4. Can You Bring the Process Into the Room?
If the supervisory relationship feels safe enough, you might say something like:
“I’ve noticed that sometimes I don’t speak up when I see things differently — and I’m curious if we can explore that together.”
This is relational gold. Bringing process into the room — even awkward or vulnerable process — turns supervision into a living laboratory for attachment healing. A supportive supervisor will welcome this kind of disclosure with warmth and gratitude as a sign of trust in the supervisory relationship and reflective capacity in the supervisee.
And if the supervisory relationship doesn’t feel safe enough to explore that yet? That’s important information, too. You’re allowed to seek a supervision space that nurtures your development with safety, collaboration, and curiosity.
5. You’re Already Growing
The fact that you wrote in tells me something essential: there’s a part of you that’s done being silent. It wants to be real, not just agreeable. It wants growth, not just harmony. And that part? That’s your self-of-therapist expanding.
Keep listening to it, and keep growing!
